How I Did It
by LadyTardisOfHogwarts
Summary: A bit of Marauders crack!fic.I got the idea from a challenge on Fiction Alley ages ago. So...Sirius is distracted,Peter has potato problems,James is worried about the banana-phone and is writing about It & Remus is getting cryptic messages on his record.


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HOW I DID IT.

James Potter sat on a bench, his legs stretched over the lap of Sirius Black, who'd been staring at a tree with great interest. Remus Lupin, who had been talking for the last 10 minutes animatedly about the average life of the rare Explosive Pufferfish threw his hands in the air as he explained.

'It just goes BOOM after being smelt by prey...' he continued. He abruptly stopped.

Remus realised Sirius wasn't listening. He slowly waved in front of Sirius' face.

No result.

He tried again.

Sirius' eyes continued to fixatedly stare on the point.

James gave Sirius a kick and Sirius suddenly looks up.

'Oi! What was that for?' he asked, rubbing his knee.

'Moony's been talking for ages and you haven't been listening.'

'Yeah, sorry - was there a giant bear in a bikini doing the Can-Can in that tree or something? Otherwise, I seriously don't know what could fascinate you so much.' Remus said. Peter spoke up from next to James as he patted Sirius sympathetically on the shoulder.

'It can be troublesome, I know. But we mustn't let ourselves get detached from society. We have to stick together, Padfoot, mate. There are only a few people like us.' he said in a quiet, monotone voice. Sirius raised his eyebrow and backed away from the bench.

'Okay, clearly I stopped listening for a while - but what the hell's going on?' he demanded, daring a glance at Peter, who was nodding knowledgably at the tree. Sirius pointed at Peter when he was not looking, but the other two shrugged.

'We should really go back, it's going to rain soon.' Remus said. They all nodded and ran in just as the rain started.

* * *

'I got wet from the 0.5 seconds I was in the rain.' grumbled James. The others wandered up to the common room whilst he stood ringing the water from his clothes on to the floor. It was only when he heard the furious scream from in front of him that he realised just who he'd squeezed the water on. He saw two very wet black shows in front of him. He looked up to see a frightening, angry red-head. He tried to laugh it off. 'Lilz, you even look hot when you're wet.' he supplied. He was met by a death glare and a scowl.

'Die Potter, die a slow and painful death...' she muttered as she walked away. He called after her.

'Wait - I have a question to ask you.' he said. She turned around sharply and stared at him coldly.

'You know the answer - NO!' she shouted. He shook his head.

'No, it's not that question, I've already asked that today. Not, it's to do with Muggles.' he said. She walked towards him slowly, a suspicious look worn upon her face, her eyebrow raised and her arms crossed.

'Yeah?'

'Yeah! I want to know what that thing you were talking into yesterday was.'

'What thing?' she asked confused.

'Oh, y'know, the thing like a sort of banana with wires attached.' Lily remained thoroughly confused. He stuck out his little finger and his thumb and held his hand to ear and started babbling. Lily narrowed her eyes at him, bewildered. Then she gave a low 'Ah'.

'You mean a telephone?' she asked.

'I don't know, that's why I'm asking.' he said. She rolled her eyes, but answered.

'I was calling up home, it was Petunia's birthday and I wanted to wish her and ask her if she liked her present.' she said simply, and turned on her heels again.'Not that she appreciated it, the ungrateful cow...' she muttered under her breath. James however thought she was just cursing him and this was nothing out of the blue.

'You mean - you've trapped your family in a big banana?' he asked, a look of pure shock on his face. Lily snorted with laughter, but continued to walk on ahead, ignoring James' attempts to catch her attention. James' eyes lit up as he saw Remus.

'Omigod Moony, Lily's a psycho - she's got a banana which she shrunk her family and put them in.' he said excitedly. That would explain why Remus heard Lily mumbling about bananas and telephones as he crossed her. Remus patted James' back, nodded, and guided him into the Great Hall for dinner.

* * *

Alice Longbottom nodded, confused as James told her very quickly about Lily's attempts to trap her parents. She turned to Peter.

'What's wrong with James today?' she asked quietly. He shrugged. Peter turned back to his food, ready to plunge his fork into a big, tasty potato. His fork crashed into his plate. The potatoes were gone.

'Keep it down, Peter.' Remus said. Peter apologised.

'Where'd my potatoes go, though?' he asked, sharply, watching everyone closely.

'Don't know and don't care...'

'Remus?' Peter prompted.

'I have no idea,' Remus replied, confused.

'Sirius?'

No reply. It had happened again. Sirius stared out of the window watching some 1st yr girls walk by, slowly. James kicks him hard underneath the table and Sirius jumps up.

'Why is it every conversation with you guys ends up with James kicking me?' he snarled.

'Guys...' Peter called quietly.

'Can you call it a conversation if just one person's talking 'cause the other's not listening?' Remus asked.

'Helloooo...' Peter chimed.

'Shut up Moony, I was just - '

'HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN MY POTATOES?' Peter yelled. Some second years in Slytherin burst out laughing and a few Hufflepuff's slowly edged away. James, Sirius and Remus turned to look at him. He twitched.

'No...' they all replied slowly.

'Okay then, I'll leave it at that.' Peter said calmly. They all edged away from Peter. Peter continued to quietly eat his food till he suddenly looked up.

'Peter?' asked Sirius.

'I figured it out. It was the dead people. They wanted my potatoes. They don't have potatoes up there.' he said, gesturing towards the sky.

'Dead people?' Remus asks with a raised eyebrow. Peter nodded. 'Sorry - you see dead people?' Remus asked again.

'So does Padfoot! 'Peter said slightly defensively. Sirius looked up from his water, which he'd been staring at for the last few minutes.

'Who said my name?' he asked, his head immediately jerking up.

'Peter claims you can see dead people.' James said smirking, 'Do explain.'

'Peter, what're you on about?' Sirius exclaimed.

'I saw you staring at the tree earlier on, there were dead people sitting under there there.' Peter said simply.

'Those are what we call ghosts.' Sirius explained slowly.

'No, these weren't just ghosts. They were dead people. Proper people - just dead. They told me so themselves.' he smiled as he prodded his sausage.

'Peter, those weren't dead people...those were Slytherins dressed in white.' Remus said soothingly, suppressing the urge to laugh.

'But - but...what about the potatoes?' he asked innocently.

'Listen here, Peter,' James said, leaning in towards Peter. Peter listened. 'You're going insane.' James said simply.

'Yeah, Peter, James is right. You've gone stark raving bonkers.' Sirius paused. Then his face broke out into a grin, delighted with his new idea. 'You see...the potatoes never existed!'

'Oh shut up, Padfoot.' Remus said, shoving Sirius along on the bench. Sirius flicked a pea at Remus, who dodged it skilfully as James leaned along across and caught it in his mouth. Peter watched them all rolling over with laughter with beady eyes. Oh they were clever, and he _knew _they knew where his potatoes were. They just weren't going to tell him.

* * *

Remus Lupin flopped down on his bed, grinning from ear to ear. He then immediately jumped up again and hugged Sirius, who was distractedly gazing at Peter's foot.

'Thank you ever so much Sirius! I've waited years for a record player and - thank you!' Remus smiled, his every word dripping with gratefulness. Sirius grinned and gave his friend a hearty pat on the back.

'Don't worry mate. It's your birthday and I wasn't going to very well get you, 'Hogwarts a History.' after all your hinting at the record player.' Sirius said, giving him a wink. Remus went red.

'I'd been hinting?' he asked, colouring up rapidly. James threw himself down on the bed behind the two.

'Very much so. And a good thing too! Now I've got you the perfect record for your player!' James handed over Remus' present. Remus read out the title:

' 'Blue Moon Song' ' Remus grinned widely and Sirius gave a roar of laughter and Peter put in meekly,

'I don't get it...'

* * *

The other boys had all left for Quidditch practise, and Remus was too tired to watch. He sat in the common room and carefully placed his record on to the player. He sat peacefully listening to the music for a long time when suddenly the record player acted up. He took the record off and placed it once again back on. This time it spun the other way. It was playing backwards. A low eery, moaning noise came from the record in the quiet room. Remus' eyes widened as realised there were words in the moaning noises.

'_The potatoeeeeeees aaaaaaarre... dyyyyying - they need yoooooooooour heeeeellppp... - Blue moon I saw you standing alone..._' went on the music cheerfully. Remus edged away from his record.

What potatoes? How could he...save them? He sounded ridiculous! All the same, he couldn't help him self from thinking about the potatoes. Eventually he came to the conclusion that it was a prank of James' and the potatoes had been put in just for the fun of it. But wait - hadn't Peter said that the potatoes were with the dead people? He shook himself and told himself to stop thinking of potatoes.

Remus became worried. When Peter walked in he saw Peter as a potato.

* * *

James sat in the common room in his favourite chair, Sirius perched on the arm of the chair, Peter bobbing around behind.

'Whatchaa doin'? Sirius yawned.

'Nothing. Nothing. At all.' James said, shutting his book with great shiftiness.

'Yeah?' Sirius asked with a raised eyebrow.

'Yeah!'

'You sure?' Peter asked, playing along.

James turned to Peter, 'YES!' and Sirius immediately grabbed the book.

' 'How I Did It.' ' he read out. He turned to James, waving the book in the air with a confused expression.

'My life's work!' he said snatching it back quickly.

'What life? Your life consists of Evans, me, Evans, me and Moony and Wormtail and me. But largely me,' Sirius said giving James a wink. 'And don't you just love it?' he added playfully.

'Oh yes!' James grinned back. The two boys had a strange relationship where they liked to pretend to be married. Remus and Peter never really figured it out.

'Can I read it, please?' Peter asked giving the book a little tug.

'No...not yet...I've not yet finished It...'

'Finished what? 'It' or the book?' Peter asks scratching his head.

'Never mind Peter. I'm doing It...' James said mysteriously leaving. Sirius and Peter exchange a look of pure bewilderment before flopping down in James' seat.

* * *

Remus Lupin sat on his bed nibbling his quill.

_Dear Mum and Dad,_

_It's been a strange week - very strange. I'm sure Sirius has finally gone mad - and he's taken Peter with him. I thought there was an inch of sanity left in James - but then he kept talking about banana phones and IT..._

_Then I thought, well at least I'm sane - but then PETER WAS A POTATO. Peter Pettigrew...Peter Potato - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?_

_Mum. Dad. Save me. I've gone mad. Remind me of normalcy. Remind me of cereal and bikes and normal. Normal..._

_Love, Remus._

* * *

_Dear Remus, _

_Remus dear? Are you alright? _

_Love, Mummy and Daddy_

* * *

'HOW I DID IT,' James yelled out,standing on a chair in the middle of the common room. Many confused heads looked up.

'Did what - '

'Do you mean we can read it now?' Sirius asked with a raised eyebrow. James nodded and threw him down the book.

How I Did It By James Potter

**_It occurred to me one day, as I cheerfully strolled along the common room that I, the great James Potter – had not yet done It._**

'Prongs, you sick, sick man – _It_ better not be what I think it is. . .' Sirius said, looking up from the book. He returned to reading.

_**- had not yet done It. I realised that over the years at Hogwarts, even the Giant Squid must've done It. I then put my foot down and said **_

'Wait a sec – is that why you suddenly gave a huge stomp in the middle of my sentence the other day?' Peter inquired. James rolled his eyes and Peter, Remus and Sirius began to read again.

_**- my foot down and said, 'I MUST DO IT.' From then on my life ambition**_

'When you say life ambition, you actually mean, the last month, don't you?' Remus said smirking.

**_- life ambition has been to complete It. In this thrilling novel you will find out how I went ahead completing It._**

Sirius handed the book back to James.

'I don't know about you two, but I can't take any more of that crack-filled dribble.'

'Definitely.' The boys agreed.

* * *

_Dear Remus, _

_Remus? I'm slightly worried. I haven't had a reply yet. _

_You still there? _

_Love, Mummy_

* * *

James ran in front of Lily as she walked to her next lesson.

'THE BANANA. HAVE YOU FREED THEM YET?' he yelled, very worried.

'No Potter. My family are in fact, still trapped in a tiny banana. Now get lost,' she barked, tired.

'I knew it. . . you. . . .mental case. . .'

* * *

_Dear Mum, _

_Sorry I didn't reply earlier – Sirius ate my letter in his desperate attempt to fill his tummy during history of magic. Everything's vaguely back to 'normal' now. How're you and Dad? _

_Love, Remus._

Mrs Lupin turned to her husband, re-reading her sons latest letter.

'I'm telling you, he may have great friends and a great time there – but whatever he does. . . It's certainly not sane!' she told him with great concern.

'But you said it yourself – great friends – great time.' He said chuckling as he ate his breakfast.

THE END


End file.
